I am so excited to announce the impending arrival of my book, Shadow Work, on January 14th of this grand, beautiful new year, 2022. This is such an exciting time for me, and I'm extremely grateful for all of the support I've received in preparation for the launch.
My life has always felt like a house that collapsed through its foundation, leaving me with a pile of mismatched and broken pieces in a cloud of debris. As the dust settled, I discovered a new opportunity to recreate it all, something that was all my own, rather than descend down the same familiar, unsatisfactory pattern I'd been following. I didn't have to stay there. I didn't have to claim that identity, the struggles and pain and lack of satisfaction that came with them. I could choose my own battles, new ones, that would benefit me in meaningful ways. I could do what so many of my assigned exemplars were too afraid to do. I could create something of myself that I was actually proud of. I didn't have to step into these same old archetypes and make a bed of frustration for myself.
Forging my own path required a great deal of introspection. I had to face things I'd never seen anyone face before. I had to teach myself how to face them to begin with. There were voices I had to learn to tune out and purge as best I could from my mind, other people's opinions and dreams and impressions and assumptions that were frankly none of my business and I couldn't afford to allow to drive and define me anymore. I had to learn how to see myself through a non-judgmental lens and let go of the urge to use labels other people had given me. I trained myself to stop seeing all of these fragments and traits of myself as "desirable". "rebellious", "righteous", or "unfortunate". I had to decide that what I thought took priority of what anyone else did.
Most daunting of all, I had to learn how to meet my needs and give myself things that I had never learned to receive. I had to learn how to identify those needs and stop punishing myself for having them. I had to forsake other people's ideas of what the best way was to meet those needs. I needed to stop anticipating everyone else's reactions before I acted. I had to learn that needs are to be respected and met, not negotiated and ignored.
Maybe it's because I grew up in the age of social media (I was on social media sites before I'd reached middle school). Maybe it's due to the nature of certain players on my life's stage, the scope of the small town I found myself in and the close proximity of invasive eyes to my every action. Regardless of the reason, I have always been aware, too aware of the perception of others. Being grossly misunderstood, having others assign me to roles I never wanted or should have never been placed in, having every movement analyzed and reviewed, it was overwhelming. There were people in my life who claimed to be my greatest allies, but when I would struggle, or they perceived that I'd done something wrong, all they could offer was pointed fingers and who to blame. When I did something right, it was to the credit of them, their beliefs and efforts. Even as I write this post, I can hear them in my head explaining things away, sticking their opinions where they don't belong, deflecting, arguing, defending, dismissing, excusing...
From an early age there was so much pressure, so many conflicting demands and opinions and expectations, it should come to no one's surprise that after a good helping of trauma I just froze. It felt like I was locked out of my brain. My talents, my drive, my motivation, my perspective, I couldn't access any of it. I felt like I was screaming in space. No matter how hard I tried, no sound was made. For years I didn't make any choices, I just released trauma responses. Many parts of my "personality" were a trauma response. It was like the real me, a version of me that I couldn't understand but could most certainly sense, was swimming beneath the surface, unable to break out.
It's impossible for me to pinpoint exactly who introduced me to the concept of shadow work. A new community I'd limped my way into the arms of, my mental health team, and some good friends all brought it up at nearly the same time, practically within hours of each other. I threw myself into study and practice. It took some time to master, for sure. There were so many different approaches and there was so much I needed to uncover. No matter, as I applied shadow work, reviewing my childhood, my attitudes, asking myself the hard questions and learning to stay present through the hard answers, the breakthroughs came. I came alive. One day I actually found myself studying my hands, contracting my fingers, noticing for the first time what it felt like to be physical, to have sensation.
So many things fell into place when I made shadow work a regular part of my routine. I stopped measuring myself against other people's expectations. I learned to stop tolerating things that simply weren't good for me. I stopped re-traumatizing myself. The pen was back in my hands and I was writing my story again, exactly as I wanted it to be. I felt empowered and confident and I didn't need anyone else to confirm those feelings. I didn't need to validate myself through anyone else. The truth of who I am and what is best for me was mine alone to determine. It was my business. For the first time in my entire life, I was creating and taking up space the way my internal map told me to. No more reshaping myself, only growing.
It's funny how truly connected our minds and bodies are. I can feel the sun on my skin now. I'm aware of my limbs and appendages. If I'm lying in bed now, I can feel the sheets under my skin. I can smell the scent of my perfume and shampoo, the wood of the door, the salt in the air from the coast, the soaked dirt and smoke from the neighborhood's fireplaces. I never really did that before.
My standards for who I spend my time with are different. I choose to surround myself with people who are occupied with healing and trying constantly to do better and think critically. I don't try to justify anyone. I'm not constantly calculating how I could accommodate other people to make our relationship work. I've learned patience and grace for others doesn't have to mean disrespecting or dismissing yourself. I love some people deeply from a distance now to respect our individual transitions. Things are possible for me now. Everything I want to do is within grasp. I don't tell myself all of the reasons all of these wonderful things happen to other people, but not for me. I got out of my own way.
This is the kind of story I sincerely want for everyone else. Everyone deserves to feel alive and empowered. Everyone deserves a fair shot at a real life, the kind of life that feeds their soul and makes all of the hard times worth getting through. In a world where we're constantly being screamed at about things that are entirely out of our control, we all need to be reminded that there are so many things we can do. We need to stop punishing ourselves for the sins of others, trusting our predecessors more than ourselves, clinging to the shapes they carved that were never really meant for us.
Shadow Work, my much anticipated book, uses plain and accessible language to break down the healing process in an easy-to-follow way. Readers will be able to dive deep inside concepts such as shame, forgiveness, and how to stay with difficult thoughts. This book talks about how to find your starting place and defines what it really means to be "healthy". After readers are introduced to the utility of shadow work and learn how to apply it to their life, they're provided with a number of prompts to keep them engaged and inspired as they continue to practice this method of self-exploration.
Thoroughly researched, personally practiced, and sincerely given, this book is my extended hand to those who feel like they have been drowning. It's my supporting arm to those who are so desperately trying to rise above cycles of abuse and trauma.
May it serve you all as it has served me.
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